well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
