and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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