Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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