So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
