Swine flu. Run for my life!
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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