My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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