Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
