She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
