He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
