I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He shit in the fireplace
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