For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
