Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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