paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
