Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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