i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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