just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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