Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
