My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
