If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
