Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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