so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Randomize
