Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
