i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
