At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
