Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Randomize
