i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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