Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
