Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Randomize
