I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Dear god my vagina.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
