2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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