Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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