the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
