do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
