your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I intend to get homeless drunk
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
