Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
