i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
