last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
