please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
