I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
