I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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