she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
