I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
