you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
