peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
