Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
