I CAN MOONWALK!
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
