look no pants
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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