So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
