If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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