is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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