I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
