There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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